Queen Grimhilde"Mirror, mirror on the wall
who is the Fairest of them all"
Queen Grimhilde, better known as Snow Whites Wicked Stepmother or Evil Queen, obvious had some self-esteem issues. The Evil Queen could not see her own beauty in the mirror, only the face of the Mage (genie). She constantly required confirmation from an external source (the magic mirror) of her fairness. In addition, asking the mirror also required a comparison with every other person in the Kingdom. Just imagine how the story might have been if Queen Grimhilde was a self confident, self assured individual. She would have only looked in the mirror to admire her good grooming and confirm that she was indeed well presented. She would have known that comparing yourself to others is a 'slippery slope" and of little benefit in building positive relationships with others (leads to envy, jealousy and negativity) and with yourself.
Note: Admittedly the Evil Queen had a few other serious issues beside low self esteem but bear with me for awhile longer please.I am getting to the point soon. It's just my story teller side getting the better of me here.
So the big QUESTION - Do you have the Queen Grimhilde complex? - Low self-esteem
I recently wrote a post about the importance of a having a positive self -concept to being fulfilled and successful. In that post I did not examine or disuses how to combat negative self-esteem but focused on what actions an individual might take to "pump up" or boost their self-esteem. Another path that I'd like to explore today is the idea of promoting a balanced evaluation of yourself. This means noticing and acknowledging our positive attributes and behaving like a confident self assured individual..
So to get a starting point, I'd like to encourage you to jot down a few of your positive qualities in your journal, and then read on. Some of the ones I have listed are: a good friend, able to see someones alternative view point, prepared to share possessions and a good sense of humour.
How easy was that for you? Some of you may have really struggled to bring something to mind while others may have already written a full page. If you struggled, then perhaps you have a tendency to only pay attention to negative things that confirm a negative view of yourself or you rarely pay attention to the positive things you say or do or the positive comments you receive from others. While doing this activity did you feel anxiety, shame, uneasiness, sadness, fear? Did you think "What could I possibly write?""I have noting worth writing down". Other people might have less trouble recalling positive things about themselves but felt uncomfortable thinking or writing about them because they consider it as being conceited, arrogant or stuck up to think about such things. Do any of these sound familiar to you?
A positive self concept and respect are important for a healthy and happy relationship, not only with others but also with yourself. "If you have low self-esteem, true respect for another is difficult to manage because you are always going to making an inner comparison between yourself an another person - possibly with a twinge of envy. You might even find yourself reacting against the positive qualities your partner shows by belittling them in some way - either openly or just in your own mind", says Mary Jaksch, a relationship counsellor and author of ALL About Love. She suggests that a healthy sense of self worth provides you with a clearer perspective of your own and others views and behaviour.
Positive Qualities Journal?
If you struggled with the above activity or just want to improve your self esteem then I suggest keeping a Positive You Journal where you record all your positive qualities. You can then use this Journal as a safety net and refer to this list when you feel yourself sliding into a negative mindset.
I suggest you purchase a Journal (or make one for yourself - I"ll be posting a blog on this shortly) purely for recording your positive qualities. The Journal will be a safe place for you to think about and then list all the positive aspects of yourself - all your good characteristics, strengths, talents and achievements.
This is the first of 3 posts on this topic and I hope you will join me on a journey of discovery - Positively Positive Me.
Step 1 - GET POSITIVE
Write a list of your Positive Qualities.
- To help you make a list of your positive qualities I have included the following Journal prompts:
- What do I like about who I am?
- What characteristics do I have that are positive?
- What are some of my achievements - things I am proud of doing?
- What are some of the challenges I have overcome?
- What are some of the skills or talents that I have?
- What do others say they like abut me?
- What are some attributes I like in others that I also have in common with them
- How might someone who cares about me describe me?
3.After you have added everything your list might look like mine or completely different. Remember we are all individuals with different positive qualities. I am adding mine just as an example.
considerate good listener helpful reliable good humured fun health conscious animal lover resourceful adventurous lovable a good friend avid reader politically conscious charitable creative artistic active outdoors person strong willed friendly responsible determined organised appreciative goal orientated dedicated parent
4. For each positive quality you have written recall a specific example that illustrates that quality. Try to list as many as possible. This way you will make each attribute you have written not just meaningless words on a page. Instead each attribute will become real, specific and a detailed memory of something that actually happened.
So for example:
- I sent my friend a get well card when she was sick good friend
- When my friend was feeling upset and needed someone to talk to, I made time to take her for coffee (even though it was inconvenient for me).
- Baby sat my friends child when she needed to go away for work.
5. Up to now we have spent some time recalling past examples of positive qualities/behaviours/actions. It is now time to turn to the present and acknowledge and recognise these attributes on a daily basis. This will be an ongoing activity that will help you build a picture of who you are in the NOW. For each day, set out to record three examples from your day that illustrate some of your positive qualities. Record exactly what you did and identify the attribute. Here is an example:
Day/Date Things I Did Positive Attribute
Thursday Played with the kids Fun to be with
05/10/2016 Coffee with a friend Good Friend
Went for a walk Active/Outdoor
Start by noticing 1-actions per day, but try to build up form there, increasing it to 4,5 or 6. If you hear your 'gremlin" (that is, your negative self-belief) whispering critical remarks into your ear, flick this destructive creature off your shoulder). Review your list and say to the Gremlin - "so there".
6. Bonus Activity - Note down the moments when your partner's qualities shine through and remember that their character traits and skills are your treasures also. Keep a record every time you see these qualities working on your behalf. Congratulate your partner for every display of good quality: Make them aware of your appreciation. After reading "the Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman I have been giving my husband a Love note once a week to thank him for a courtesy he has shown me. Showing my appreciation has helped me realise how much I have taken him for granted over the years. If You try this activity I'd love to hear what impact if any it has on you or your relationship.Conclusion
I suggest that you set aside a special time to commit to the tasks in this post. Don't do them on the run, or while you are doing other things. Give it the due attention and time it deserves. Journaling has a way of bring issues previously buried to the forefront of our minds and can be quite challenging to deal with on our own. If any of the activities bring up issues for you please seek professional help.
Positive You Journal - Part 2